Growing Back
by kitskee
Summary: Post Mockingjay and Pre epilogue. This is how I imagined it happened, or how I wish it would have happened. Reviews are welcome! I do not own Hunger Games. Characters elong to Suzanne Collins!
1. Chapter 1

"**It's my first fanfic so please feel free to post reviews...be kind but real!"**

CHAPTER 1

In the months that followed I slowly begin to function again. Waking up to hunt, to slowly claim what is left of the pieces of my life. Bit by bit I regain the strength to go back and settle into a routine. Trying to accept that this is my world now, without Prim, without my mother, without Gale. I wonder what pushes me to wake up in the morning with a dull ache in my chest. And the smell of freshly baked bread reminds me. The bread was baked by Peeta. He's here now, still checking up on me, and it fills me with unexplained contentment that he is safe.

Slowly I regain my strength and learn to bathe again. Remembering how I must have looked on his first day back to District 12. How horrendous I must have looked, and I longed for him to see me again the way he used to see me. And though I tried to push him away, I still long to have him hold me like he used to. I long for his comforting words which were disturbed by the Capitol. Now he mistrusts me and himself. He mistrusts the memories that come in and out of his mind. He still continues to play the Real or not Real game. And I too remember how hard he fought to overcome. Sometimes I convince myself that he is fighting to overcome for me. But I am too selfish, and perhaps he is fighting to overcome me.

He still bakes, I hunt. He regularly checks up on me and Haymitch. What the three of us have is something that nobody can understand having gone through what we went through. We three have the same demons to battle in different forms. And yet it is only Peeta who is taking the high road by taking care of us. I remember Haymitch's words before the Quell…I could live a hundred years and still not deserve Peeta..

I greet Peeta stiffly as he drops the bread. He greets me in the same manner, being used to my cold greetings. But he doesn't know that I long to run into his arms and have him hold me again and let me know things will be alright. I long to have his arms around me to shelter me from nightmares that come when I sleep. I long for him to see me the way he saw the old Katniss. But these are secrets I keep to protect me from caring too much. I've learned that if I care too much I hurt them in the process.

"Katniss" I wake up from my revelry and looked at Peeta. "Your birthday is three days away, have you thought about what you're going to say at the party?" My birthday was to be celebrated by my District. If it were up to me, I would rather I spend the day in the woods, where peace and quiet remains. But I am the mockingjay and I no longer belong to myself. Inciting a rebellion and over throwing a government meant I am a symbol that everyone shares. And my 18th birthday is something the whole of Panem will celebrate. It's a blessing that I am restricted in 12. My sentence for killing President Coin is actually a respite. I would much prefer the company of my own people than at the Capitol. However it was agreed that I will still have to celebrate it and have it televised for all the other districts to see. As a sign of hope that things will be normal again. This was the compromise since other districts would want to know how the mockingjay is faring.

In reality, I would rather celebrate it with Gale in the woods, hunting. Or if I allow myself to acknowledge it, I would rather spend it with Peeta somewhere in the meadows and look at sunsets. But the meadows now are graveyards in our district and there aren't many places to sit down and look at sunsets in District 12. My home in Seam, even the Hob where I just eat soup is no longer. Yes, things have changed in Seam.

"What can I say aside from the usual thanks? You know I'm not very good at speeches."

"Well you could begin by being grateful you reached 18." Says Peeta. But am I? At 18 I have already lived a full life. I have witnessed enough horrors that a regular 18 year old should not have seen. I still maintain life would have been much simpler had I eaten the berries.

"I'm not sure if I am Peeta".

I can see the conflict in Peeta's eyes at my response. My dear Peeta, still optimistic, yet realistic. He's been trying hard to pull me to a better place when he has his own demons to contend with. "I know things have been rough for us Katniss" he muttered under his breath. "But I believe that there is a reason why we survived. And for that alone we should be grateful."

I shrugged it off and put on a weak smile to avoid arguments. It's much too early in the day, and it is my birthday so I let it go. "I know, I'm just grumpy at the thought of being old."

His faced relaxed a bit at my response though I can see that he is amused at me being concerned about age. But perhaps he too didn't want to start a fight on this day."Tell you what, why don't you go pamper yourself today by just vegging out? We can very well take care of all the preparations tonight. Plus I'm pretty sure your prep team will be here soon so if you plan on a very relaxing day, you may just get a couple of hours till they come."

"No, I prefer to walk. I'll just be out for a while and I'll be back before the team arrives." I thanked him for the bread and I got my burlap. He looked at me as if he was expecting something but dare not ask. He lifted his cup of coffee and smiled. I too am hesitant because I felt that though we are now civil with each other, things are not the same. I felt like I needed to give him a kiss on the cheek before I go but I wouldn't dare. A kiss on the cheek? More like a full kiss on the lips! What is wrong with me? I shake myself and left the house.

I walked the familiar paths leading to the ruins of my old home. I sighed a deep sigh I headed for the hollow tree where my bows still remain hidden. I paused and looked at the sky wishing for something I could not name. And I heard the softest footsteps behind me. I knew without looking he has arrived. My hands already set the arrow in place and turned and aimed it at his heart.

_**"There's more if you're still interested."****  
**_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Hi Catnip, planning to assassinate me?" Gale greeted me with a smile without any signs of surprise. I looked at him coolly and lowered my aim. How many times have I imagined seeing him here, and what did I intend to say when I face him? I wanted to hurl rocks at him for leaving, for not coming to see me, for not creating the bomb that killed Prim….but wait, that is something that has not been uncovered… we have no proof of were te bomb came from, but it is looming in my head. In a span of milliseconds, thoughts came in and out of my head and I ad to decide if will welcome my bestfriend. Despite my intention to pretend I don't care, I ran straight to his arms and gave him a hug. "It's good to see you, Gale". His arms remained wrapped around me and I could feel him inhaling the scent of my hair.

"And aiming at my heart is your way of showing that?" he replied teasingly. I let go of his neck and pulled him to our spot on the boulder facing the meadow.

"I knew it was you. It's good to see you." We spent a few minutes just looking at each other knowing that we are both checking and making inventories of the changes in our appearance, and things that are the same. We sighed at the same time and burst out laughing and relaxed for a little bit. "Well you look great. For a soldier."

"Wish I could say the same to you. You've looked better." His eyes were filled with humor and I gave him a punch on the arm. "Easy, easy!" He changed his tone and with a serious note he asks, "How have you been?"

How have I been? I've been crazy trying to come to terms with losing my sister, losing everything and trying to survive. The fear of actually confirming that his bomb might have killed my beloved Prim lingers. But I chose to look the other way for today. I fight the same battles daily that a change in the daily pattern like Gale's visit is welcomed.

"Okay, I guess. Trying to cope. No….trying to live one day at a time." I rest my elbows on the ground and tilted my face facing the sun. "It feels like a million years since we last hunted together in these woods doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does. But now you won't have to worry about hunting here. No more peacekeepers to fear." Says Gale.

"Yes, no fun either. I miss hunting with you." Yes I do miss hunting with someone who has your back. I miss the way we are so in sync that we always move as one. And I can sense Gale's remembering the same things I am remembering about our previous life here in 12. He took my hand and squeezed it lightly. "I'm here now," he says. He pulled me up and we both know we do not need to speak. We know what we are to each other and without speaking we both know we are clinging on to something we used to have. We can pretend that all is normal and that we're here for the same reason we have always been in the woods. He pulled me up and we hunted.

After 2 hours we have four wild ducks and 2 rabbits to show for it. And it's the biggest haul I've gotten since I came back. Normally I will just bring home a rabbit or 2 or a squirrel or a wild turkey. By then I would have been too exhausted to hunt for more. But it feels good to have a hunting partner. And for a while return to use my basic hunting instincts. Yes Gale brings out the energy in me and I felt my veins come to life. Blood has returned and I am now flushed with elation. From the hunt or from seeing Gale, I didn't care. It's been a while since I had 2 hours of peace.

Walking back to the town with Gale was familiar. It's as if the Hunger Games, the war and the horror were behind us. But passing by the place where The Hob used to be still brings a pang of guilt from me. Knowing that I am responsible for so many deaths in District 12 this place is both my home and my torture. Gale sensed my tension and put an arm on my shoulder as if trying to shield me from what is visible. I appreciated the fact that he still had my back. We still try to protect each other. It felt good to have him here in the midst of all these.

"I see they are trying to rebuild this place" says Gale.

"Yes, they've shut down the mines though. They'll be planting crops and seeds to produce medicine now." At least the district is trying to move on from the damage of war. Something good has already come out.

"That's good to hear. People moving on and making changes for the better is a good sign that no matter how bad things get, things will be better." I felt his statement is pointed directly at me, but I just chose to look straight ahead. I mean, he should be proud of the steps I've taken after months of lethargy. It has taken me months before I took my first shower. Months before I even stepped out of my porch. And I have hunted for the last two weeks.

"I better get back to my house. My prep team's coming." We shared the spoils, dividing everything in half as we used to. "Where are you staying?" I asked as I remembered that both our houses lie in ruins in Seam.

"I'm at the military barracks near the Hall of Justice."

I stopped for a while and thought of offering my spare room. After all, I live there by myself these days, it would be good to have some company. I shake myself and thought about having Gale in my house would not sit well with Peeta. Not that I need his permission to offer my house to Gale, but I decided against it anyway.

"Will I see you later at the party?"

"Do you want me to be there?" I detect a little wisp of hopefulness from his voice at his response.

"Of course, you're my best friend, and it would be nice to have you around." I try to sound very casual about it and wondered if the slight furrow at his brows meant he was hoping for a better response. But he shrugged it away as quickly as I noticed it.

"Then I'll be there. That's one of the reasons why I'm here. I'm just glad you want me to be a part of it."

I smiled weakly and gave him a pat before I headed straight to my house where my prep team is waiting.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Katniss!" My prep team shrieked at seeing me. I must admit there is a sense of excitement at seeing them again. We have gone through a lot together. They are coping the best way they can with all the changes after the war. They are grateful they are still alive, but growing in the Capitol also meant they had to adjust to the new setup. So it meant a lot that they traveled all the way to District 12 to prep me for this celebration.

"Really Katniss, you have issues with hair!" Flavius exasperatedly hissed looking at the clump of sweaty hair on my head. No need to say anything about the leghairs. Flavius already know it's never been my priority. Quickly Venia ushered the team to my bathroom where they weaved magic and making me look like a girl again.

I was slipped into a powder blue chiffon gown flowing to the ground which was sent by te Capitol. Small silver flowers where scattered on the bodice caught up in just one sleeve. It was simple and elegant, but not flashy. It wasn't made by Cinna, but it comes close. We all admired the image I reflected in the mirror. Flashbacks of me standing in the mirror with Cinna and the prep team, the parade at Capitol, the Victory tour, the interviews came like rapid fire and shook me for a while. Octavia held on to me for a while and a slight recognition of what just passed flickered in her eyes. She smiled a small smile and said, "This time is different Katniss."

Venia ushered the prep team out of the bathroom and quickly changed the mood by announcing they have to go and prep Peeta and Haymitch. Yes, they are the only prep team left for us three. All the others were executed. I remember adding them to my list of victims. Ones that have died because of me. Portia especially brings an ache in my heart and tears welled up in my eyes. If it weren't for Effie's arrival I may have balled on the floor ruining the soft flowing dress I was draped in.

"Katniss, Happy Birthday!" Effie came in complete with a golden wig with bronze and metallic green highlights. Seeing her gave me comfort. I've long forgotten how I used to find her annoying. I can only appreciate having her here with me. She always keeps us on track of our schedule that pity parties have no place in our itinerary. She has thinned a little bit, but most Capitol citizens have as a result of adjustments after the war. I'm glad she still maintained a sense of herself despite what she went through. I was never told of what really happened to her during her capture. I'm just glad Plutarch and Haymitch were able to save her.

I gave Effie a warm hug, and it felt good to be enfolded in familiar arms again. Today is my birthday and I've gotten two hugs so far. I must be getting sentimental because I was welcoming affection today. It couldn't be because of my birthday because I have never had a reason to celebrate it before. I was too consumed with bringing food for my family that I forget it was my birthday. Today is something different. Maybe today is what Dr. Aurelius said about taking baby steps till some things begin to have meaning again.

I take a deep breath and brace myself for the smiles I will have to show for the cameras. I remind myself this time it's different. But is it really? This celebration feels like it's another propo. It's my birthday and people need to see how well I've coped the last couple of months. This is meant to inspire people to rebuild which is funny. How can I inspire people when I myself just recently woke from a lethargic experience. But we all have roles to play and I remind myself "_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I live in District 12. I was the spark of the rebellion. I was the Mockingjay. I survived the war. I lost my sister and now I am one of the few who came back to District 12._" I brace myself to face the cameras once more, this time to celebrate an occasion I never thought I'll celebrate again. I went down uncertain and was greeted by familiar faces at the foot of the stairs. My prep team, Effie, Haymitch were all waiting for me smiling with approval. My eyes involuntary searched for the most comforting face. I looked for Peeta.


End file.
